Self Analysis
by mrsrossino4
Summary: Changed to multi-chapter...self analysis of how each character feels about Emily's return and alleged betrayals.
1. Chapter 1

**Self Analysis**

**By **

**Mrsrossino4**

**Yes kids, this is something a little different. After observing Reid's behavior since last season, I have to wonder how all of these emotions play into his recovery program. This is my interpretation of how he may be thinking/feeling about the entire Prentiss issue. Thank you to my husband's ex-stepmother Gail for reminding me it's good to step outside the box and try something different.**

My sponsor tells me it is important when struggling with an issue that could drive me to use drugs again I must write a letter expressing my feelings before they consume me. I am feeling so many different things right now I don't know where to begin. I know the first thing is I can't use my normal elevated vocabulary because it just doesn't seem appropriate in this situation. I have to step back and analyze everything carefully, making it as simple as possible.

But, in my opinion, there is nothing simple about betrayal.

Where do I even begin? I considered this team as my family, as people that I could count on and would never lie to me. They led me to believe my friend and comrade had been killed. I carried her coffin. I stopped at her grave every day. Now, I discover it was all a lie.

Emily, why would you betray me? I thought you trusted me. Above everyone else on this team, you said you could trust me to keep any secret. Why did you not trust me with this one? I carried your coffin, spiraled into the depths of depression, yet it was for nothing? My intellect understands the reason, but my heart can't. Am I perceived as being weak, vulnerable, unable to protect you?

Hotch, you tried your best to take Gideon's place when we left. That in itself was a huge betrayal of my trust. Even after so many years, I still resent him for leaving me. I feel like all father figures in my life abandon me. You told me to keep the faith in the team, keep my faith in you. I did as you asked, and this is how you repay me? You put me through months of hell, not even understanding you were compromising my sobriety? Maybe it is selfish, but it's how I feel.

Morgan, I know you were as much in the dark as I was, but you forgave too quickly. You strut around here with a smile on your face, laughing and joking with the people who hurt us the most. I expected you, above all others, to be sympathetic to my plight. I see now you are not one to be counted on either. You will always side with them.

Rossi, you too were in the dark yet admit you had suspicions. You approached me several times to try to help me. Why couldn't you have shared your suspicions with me? They might not have been real, but it would have been something to keep me sane.

Garcia, you are the only one I can trust at this point. I know you well enough to say that this was a total shock to you as well. I know you are a bit cold toward them as I am, and I thank you for showing compassion for my plight. You are a genuinely kind soul.

Now I turn to the last person. JJ, you hurt me more than anyone else. For ten weeks I came to your house every night, crying. You gave me comfort and kept me from relapsing. I never told you that until a few days ago, yet you still said nothing. Oh sure, you said sorry, but too little too late. I've always had feelings for you, but have graciously stepped aside for others. I am godfather to your son, and yet you still ignored how this would affect me. I am angry and honestly don't know how to forgive you.

All I can say is I question my future with the BAU. How can I do my job when surrounded by people I can no longer trust? Where do I go from here? How do I forgive this betrayal?

**Yes, it is short, but hopefully interesting. If there is enough feedback, I might to a follow up piece to this. Feel free to review and leave constructive criticism. Flamers will be laughed at.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Self Analysis**

**By**

**Mrsrossino4**

**Well kids considering the feedback I got from the original one-shot on Spencer's point of view I decided to change this into a multi-chapter tale with each CM character giving their point of view on past/current events. I attempted to respond to the person who left me comments regarding how they felt about the angle of everyone being angry at Emily/Hotch/JJ was unsatisfactory, but they had their PM's turned off. So, I'll just say thank you for the comments; they gave me the inspiration to write this.**

**Disclaimer: CBS owns Criminal Minds; I'm just playing around for a few moments.**

**Chapter Two: Jennifer Jareau**

I honestly wish everyone would just get off my back.

Yes, I lied to my family, the people I consider closer to me than the people I am directly related to. They are all angry with me, especially Spence. No one understands how difficult this has been for me. I had a choice to make between lying to them and saving my colleague/friend or allowing Emily's existence to become public knowledge and make us all targets for Ian Doyle.

I made my choice.

Do I regret it? On one hand, I certainly do. It was hard for me to sit and offer comfort to those who trusted me most, knowing I could never reveal this dark secret. I feel like a traitor to my friends, but again what choice did I have?

I've given up more than anyone will ever know for the members of the BAU, both personally and professionally. My relationship with Will has ended because of it, my career is officially at a standstill because I chose to return, and now my friendships are suffering because of my decision to protect one of our own.

I think what hurts the most is how Spencer threw in my face how Emily's faked death and my alleged betrayal has compromised his sobriety. Dammit, I still feel responsible for his addiction in the first place! If it had not been for us getting separated and Tobias Henkle torturing him, Spence would have never gotten hooked on that drug in the first place. He never blamed me for that, but yet he blames me for compromising his recovery.

This may sound selfish of me, but right now I just want to slap Spencer Reid across his face and scream at him how everything is not always about him. Does he think this was easy on me, Hotch, or what about Poor Emily? She's the one that had to go into hiding! Did he ever stop to consider how she felt being away; knowing everyone she cared for was mourning her alleged death? Maybe he's the one who's selfish!

The only thing I can say is Dave has been a real Godsend in this entire situation. Granted, he may not be pleased about being left out of this secret, but he at least understands why. He has been a true friend and mentor during my return to the BAU. He has been there through my issues with Will, comforting me when the inevitable happened. I can never repay him for his kindness and understanding.

I suppose Dave and Hotch are right, though. Time heals most wounds. All I can hope for is the rest of the team will come around and eventually understand why I lied. I don't expect them to agree, just understand.

_This is short, but when this series is concluded you'll hopefully understand why all of these are short. Never fear, I have a plan! As always, reviews and constructive criticism are welcome, but flaming comments are not._


	3. Chapter 3

**Self Analysis **

**By**

**Mrsrossino4**

**Well kids I seem to be on some kind of writing kick today! First an update on Just Good Friends, now I'm updating this one. I'll be really impressed with myself if I actually manage another set of updates before the end of the day! Hopefully you will enjoy this morning's offering. Grab a drink, sit back, and enjoy.**

Being Unit Chief for the Alpha Team of the BAU is not an easy task. To the outside observer, including those who are higher on the food chain than I am, seem to think we travel, stay in nice hotels, walk in and profile on the spot so the locals can catch the bad guys. Jason Gideon warned me there would be no way to convince everyone what we do is vital, but ever since I took this post it seems like nothing can ever go the way I expect it to.

It's hard to step into the driver's seat of a unit where its three founders are regarded as living Gods. Hell, I was trained by them. I thought things would be easier when Max and Dave retired, but Jason was still there looming over my desk. He was always kind and understanding, but in a dark place I never let people see I always felt as though Jason regretted recommending me as Unit Chief when he stepped down.

What makes me uncomfortable is my best friend and mentor returns to my team in a non-supervisory capacity yet still makes me feel like Jason did. Of course Dave is a blessing to have around, but yet there is still a small part of me that feels like I'm still a trainee in his presence. Alas, a man in my position can show no weakness or it will be fully exploited. Erin Strauss has nearly succeeded in doing that several times.

Then you have the unpredictable, angry, aggressive Derek Morgan who would love to have my job on a permanent basis. Oh sure, when I temporarily stepped down he fought the appointment as Acting Unit Chief, but you could tell he enjoyed having control. It suited him; he admittedly is great in the field. He is a natural leader. He does, however, need to learn how to handle outside distractions like Erin Strauss.

I think the team member I have the most conflicted emotions about is Reid. He is a genius and is a great profiler, but one has to ask how much his previous drug abuse affects his judgment. Oh, don't get me wrong, I know he has never relapsed (not to say he probably has come close) but I still question how his recovery is continually compromised with each case.

That brings me to Garcia. All I can say is I would not trade her for any other technical analyst. She supports us and three other teams, which is a feat in itself. But no matter how tired she is, she never complains about her job. She is also a member of alpha team, no matter what. She is the ray of sunshine in our lives.

All I can about Emily Prentiss is she is an amazing woman. I hated having to fake her death and lie to everyone, but it was the right thing to do. She was in danger, and needed to be protected. I made a choice to do that, and if anyone on my team has an issue with it they need to hash it out with me. Sometimes being Unit Chief means you have to make the tough decisions. I did that.

Poor JJ, she never asked for this to happen. For some reason she seems to be absorbing most of the anger from the team about this entire situation. I feel I've remained silent long enough; everyone should have come to terms with the issue by now. It isn't fair to JJ to have her in the line of fire, yet she takes it with grace and dignity. I'm afraid I would have lost my composure by now.

I admit there are times when I wonder if I should have taken Strauss' offer of early retirement. I then look across the bullpen at my team, no my family, and realize this is where I belong. For better or worse, I care about all of them.

**I just wanted to say that I hope everyone understands I am only giving my personal interpretations of these characters. I do not want to be misquoted as saying I am right, wrong or indifferent; rather I am using creative license in this series. Writing fanfiction is a hobby of mine and I respect different points of view. If there's something you disagree with or something I have not made clear please be courteous enough to just ask me in a PM or state it in a review. I've said it before, folks, I love constructive criticisms and educated debates, but flaming comments are just rude.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Self Analysis**

**By**

**Mrsrossino4**

**Well kids here's the next selection in our little journey through the psyches of our famed team members. I appreciate all of the positive feedback on this story. I have been trying to incorporate the suggestions you have been providing into each chapter. Following is Emily's tale. Grab your drink, sit back and enjoy.**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, but oh what fun it is to play around!**_

I can hardly believe I am back with the team. It only seems like yesterday I was being whisked away to safety in Paris, having to make them think I was dead. Little did I know what the effects of that plan would have on my co-workers.

No, they are my family.

Or so I thought.

I can understand them being upset or even shocked, but I never expected the reception I got from Reid and Morgan. They act as though this was a plot to deliberately deceive them, and keep going on about how much pain they've been in for seven months thinking I was dead.

How the hell do they think I felt?

Do they really think it was such a picnic for me? I had to spend most of my time sheltered away, fearing someone would recognize me and this little charade would be finished. I had to let my own mother think I was dead. My two best friends had to lie for me day after day, putting their careers on the line just to keep me safe until Ian Doyle could be brought to justice.

Yet the only thing Spencer Reid can think about is how I compromised his sobriety.

I thought he was a better friend. Yes, it was hard for him to accept y alleged death. And yes, I'm sure I can't imagine the pain he went through, but there is more to the situation than just the woes of Dr. Spencer Reid. I wish he would come to realize that.

Then of course there's my other so-called friend, Derek Morgan. He was initially upset, but he claims to be over it. Okay, so if you're over it, why are you insisting on making me recertify in basic procedures? Is this a lame excuse for you to manhandle me, or is this your lack of faith in my abilities showing? You did it to Jason Gideon after Boston, you did it to Hotch after Foyet, and now you're doing it to me. It's total bullshit if you ask me.

I love my friends JJ and Garcia, but even my favorite tech was cold in the beginning. I guess I really can't blame her, though, because if there was anyone who could have been let in on my existence, it would have been her. I know Hotch had concerns about her sharing that information with the rest of the team, but look at how much she helped Morgan while I was gone. All I can say is I kept my sanity during these long months because of my cheeto eating friend. I can't even begin to thank Jayje for putting herself on the line for me. It was the act of a true friend.

This also has been hard for Hotch. He preaches trust and cooperation to his team, yet he had to hide my existence from them. It is a direct conflict of what he tells us all the time. I think that is probably why Reid and Morgan are so angry with him. They tend to see things in a black and white fashion. Being the daughter of an ambassador, I understand how the grey world works.

Then of course I have my friend and mentor, David Rossi. I was relieved when he said that he suspected this all along. He has been a rock during this time of transition, and I am grateful. Dave has kept me sane during this time. He is the voice of reason in this group.

Being back here is surreal to me. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I also hope these other feelings with the team go away soon. I miss my united family.


End file.
